I really fucked up this semester.
I was lazy and unmotivated. I often spent my days lying in bed watching movies instead of studying or doing homework. I saved most assignments until the last minute. I skipped more classes than I should have.
I don't know what happened. I didn't have a particularly emotionally taxing semester. I had some stressful money problems, but what's new. The past four months are a hazy blur of bad movies, ennui, and boredom.
I had a teacher in high school who said it was really dangerous when smart kids got bored. Well, that's exactly what happened. I'm a smart kid who got bored. Maybe that's the wrong word - disillusioned might be better. Since summer started, I've really just started hating everything more. Sure, I still have optimistic times, and I'm a generally happy person in daily life, but when I really sit down and think about things, I just get pissed off.
I hate America. There will be posts to come on the many reasons for this.
I hate money. It runs the world, and I never have any.
I hate conservative douchers who deny their privilege and love oppression. I hate racists and sexists and homophobes and misogynists and classists and the willfully ignorant.
I hate capitalism.
I hate my job. I hate Oklahoma. I hate that I live 1000 miles away from everyone I love. I hate that I've lived in this town for over two years, and although I have people to have fun with, I don't feel like I have a single real friend.
I hate my tiny, cold apartment.
So here I am. Overcome with a feeling of ennui, with a side of slight depression and boredom. I can't wait to go home to my parents' house and lie on a couch all day, drinking tea and watching cable.
Next semester will be a fresh start for me. I'm going to work harder and do better. At everything.